"Twenty-six years? The world hasn't't been worth a shit since Conway Twitty died." (After being informed that Conway Twitty died twenty-six years ago.)
"We got any polka people out there? Polka can save your life, ladies an' gennelman. It's been a proven scientific fact. Polka...can save...your life."
"Have you ever had the NyQuil blues? You don't feel good, you feel sick. So you drink a bottle of NyQuil. You feel better so you drink another bottle of NyQuil. Then you go to bed. The next day you wake up and think, 'Hmmm, I feel pretty good.' But then you realize it's actually three days later."
"To understand politics right now you have to have a background in professional wrestling."
When asked about Roky Erickson: "He's a genius."
"They say you're known by the places you've been kicked out of. I've been kicked out of Oklahoma and Pampa, Texas."
"Why? Because it SUCKS! That's why." After welcoming everyone to Ginny's, Alvin telling the crowd why they would be hearing hardcore country music at Ginny's on Thursday nights, and "...no Toby Keith or pop country."
"The violin is an evil master."
After singing Be My Momma Again: "Hardcore country music -- none of this fake Nashville crap!"
Affectionately describing western Oklahoma: "Where the wind blows, the dirt blows, and the bullshit rolls...."
"I got post-traumatic Okie stress disorder." (On his fear of tornados as a boy in south Oklahoma City.)
During the middle of Nyquil Blues:
"This is the cold and flu season ladies and gentlemen. Remember, a green tongue is a healthy tongue."
"The Good Lord gave us one more good night of country music….”
"This is a safe haven from South By Southwest…Come on in, Ye who are weary. Enter. A LOVING hand, will pro-TECT you…from South By Southwest.
"I took advanced math in Oklahoma. Isn't that contradictory?"
"Now that South By Southwest is over -- sometimes known as The Hipster Apocalypse...."
"God-dang I loved Elvis when I was a kid. Didn’t you? If you didn't it’s like saying you don’t love puppies."
"Oh, I don't know why we'd be playing west Texas rock and roll -- it's only our native language."
"The Texas Mavericks have been banned in North Korea. They saw what we did to Russia." (From The Gospel According to Alvin, The Texas Mavericks were responsible for bringing down the Berlin Wall.)
On the Cuba situation: Let's have a drink and a cuban cigar and maybe they'll import some fifty-six shiv-o-lays -- cigars and fifty-six shiv-o-lays -- they GOTTA have the best mechanics in the universe."
"It's a Christmas rock-and-roll explosion tonight...."
Alvin's Thanksgiving toast: "We're thankful we're here to be thankful."
"George Jones is one of the all-time great American singers of any kind of music...across all lines of music.”
"...you ever wonder if bands appreciate girls dancing' in front of 'em? -- WE DO -- we always do.”
"I assure you they will outlaw Merle Haggard in the Moslim Caliphate…."
"Yeah country music -- you can just by God define it by Hank Williams.”
"Let liquor be the answer." -- His comment after the Longhorn loss to BYU.
On Ozzie Nelson: "I don't know about Ozzie. Ozzie was weird. I think Ozzie was in the original LSD experiments conducted by the CIA.”
"Here's the deal -- you can tell people there's a guy in the sky who loves you and 80% of the people are gonna believe ya. You tell 'em that the paint's wet and they're all gonna wanna touch it.”
"If you ask me who invented rock and roll I'd say Chuck Berry.”
"Eighty percent of the conversation in the State Of Oklahoma is: 'By God,' and, 'I'll tell ya one goddamn thing.' Eighty percent.”
"There's only a few people who have ever looked deep inside the mind of Doug Sahm...it's a strange trip…indeed."
"You don't have to call the devil cause he's coming anyway."
"I gotta get woke-up good first.”
"It's been nice the last few days...that sun hits you, it's like spring cleaning for the body and soul.”
"If Hank Williams didn't say it, it probably didn't need to be said.”
"...if you wanna play the fiddle you gotta make a deal with the devil.”
"...back in Oklahoma City I had a rock and roll band...Dad drove the equipment, my mother carried the gun. You laugh…."
"We now have Nyquil daiquiris at The Broken Spoke, along with Nyquil margaritas -- get drunk and get well at the same time.”
"Western Swing...been known to heal the sick, make the blind see, make the lame walk, bring the dead back to life…."
"Here's to country music...soon country music fans will be meeting in catacombs, persecuted…."
"The Texas Mavericks caused the Berlin Wall to fall.”
(While repeatedly adjusting his microphone): "We can go to the moon...but we can't build a dad gum mike stand that works.”
"May the power of rock-and-roll propel you.”
"Let me have a drink. I been watchin' too much of the news lately.”
"Wrestling masks make great stocking stuffers.”
"If you don't like Hank Williams you can kiss my Okie ass.”
(Holding his nose to mimic a voice coming over his grade-school intercom): "Would all the young men with the new Beatles-style haircuts please report to the principal's office? -- Would ALL the young men…."
"The Lone Ranger could kick-ass on vampires.”
On Big Balls In Cowtown: "The hardest song to pronounce when you go to Europe: 'What eez zees Beeg Boss een Gow Town?’”
"Do you think Richard Nixon could have dunked a basketball?"